It could all be so simple.
As we take off our clothes, we also strip off our thoughts about work and our daily routine; we leave it all behind as we throw ourselves onto the bed. We kiss, we can sense each other, feel each other and…we stop thinking.
We let go of control, we dive into the blissful sea of connection and trust. We dissolve our barriers and shells, we let down our guard, and we open up our physical bodies and become a soft wave of breathing and feeling each other, becoming pulsing bodies in space.
We let go until we find ourselves.
It could all be so simple.
Why is it so hard then?
Why do we tense and hold on instead of letting go and surrendering to ourselves?
How did we allow even a single nervous thought to enter our bedrooms?
How is it possible that we missed out on the most heavenly ecstasy because of a to-do list or worries and other distractions?
It is now a well known syndrome that holding on instead of letting go is the modern sexual epidemic.
“Breathe deeply – just concentrate on the moment!”
That’s what the magazines are telling us.
“Men find it extremely attractive if a woman knows what she wants and doesn’t shy away from lust. So don’t worry – just give him your unrestrained and freed self.”
That’s what the sexperts say.
However, a spiritual guide might rather say:
“Control is an illusion; and be aware that there is nothing you can control anyway”.
I don’t think either of these suggestions quite get to the heart of the matter. If it were that simple would we really still have the problem?
Whether or not control exists, whether we actually have control or are just chronically trying to gain control, either way we have lost ourselves in the most natural human condition – THE SIMPLE FORM OF BEING.
- Because we are afraid.
- Why are we afraid?
- Because we missed out the steps BEFORE Surrender.
Which means that surrender is not an isolated action; it is rather a sequence in our somatic nervous systemwhich occurs as we go through different stages of contact with one another.
It is these different stages which we usually ignore or miss out and which later prevent us from actually letting go when we want to have sex. We just can’t relax. We are trapped in a sad dilemma between the restless mind and our body, holding on to the thought of surrender instead of actually surrendering.
Surrender doesn’t listen to our mind or to our overcomplicated practice; it appears independently.
We don’t have to call it, indeed we can’t call for it. What we should do so that we can surrender is to take our mind by the hand and step out of the way.
If we overthink and try to control too much during sex more than actually enjoy having it, we are probably subconsciously getting in the way of our own indulgence.
We are missing out on its gifts and presents because we are hindering surrender in coming our way.
How can we step aside to allow Surrender to enter our bedrooms?
Let’s observe healthy and free mammals for a moment, focusing on how they treat each other; (and by the way let’s not pretend that we invented sex :). At least they don’t stumble over each other all the time as we do.
What do mammals do differently?
They have the smarter foreplay. They are alert and ready to defend their territory. They are sure of their boundaries before and while opening up.
As a footnote: animal sex often looks different to humans’, which is due to our filtered perceptions and not the act of the animals. For example there is no such thing as rape in the animal kingdom (brilliantly described by Susan Brownmillers “Against our Will”). If we would only have “animal like” sex, the world would be an ecstatic place. End of footnote.
For animals it’s not surrender that comes first, its safety within their own territory because this is a primary necessity for their somatic nervous system, i.e. for their survival.
This primal sequence of needs is also active in us.
So if we want to take the phases before surrender seriously, if we want to actually feel and experience them – if we want to learn from the mammals who are doing absolutely fine sexually, then we shouldn’t practice opening up, or letting go, we have to practice protecting ourselves.
Feeling safe when our boundaries are intact and our territory is unthreatened is the essential foundation for everything to be calm, pleasurable and regenerative for our nervous system. Personal boundaries come first before gorging, before sleeping – and before sex.
No sex without respecting each others boundaries.
The first question asked when two animals meet isn’t “Do you want to have sex?”, it’s: “Am I safe with you? Will you respect my territory or not?”
This question has been asked by animals and humanimals for millions of years, and it’s still being asked as precisely as we can read the answer on our fur, our eyes and paws.
As a first step it’s not interesting whether we find each other gorgeous or not; what happens at first contact with the blink of an eye is whether we respect each others boundaries and feel safe with each other. Although it is invisible for our mind, it is the first question and answer, the first interaction between two bodies.
In modern trauma studies, in which wild animals have become the new superstars, the instinctive formula for our nervous system is verbalized as followed:
- Step: Safety (protection of my boundaries)
- Step: Approach (sizzles… and contact…)
- Step: Touch/Contact (incl. indulging sex)
- Step: Bond (common territory/ground – maybe nest-building and babies)
A simple and logical sequence, each phase (“Yes, you are safe with me – and I feel safe with you etc…”) offers the possibility for our nervous system to enter into the next phase.
That’s what I meant, with the phases BEFORE Surrender.
And what do we humans do?
Find out in
About Surrender #2